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3/14/2020

CW: Death

Three days ago, I went to my first funeral ever. I've only ever been to memorial services in the past. This was a very different experience. Having a body present was a bit unnerving for me. I've been so sheltered from it that I really don't know how to handle it. I have no desire to see bodies. When I pass, I wish my body to cease to exist. When my bunny died several years back, I had him cremated. I did not collect his ashes. Personally, I'm not afraid of dying, but I do fear the evidence of death.

My first funeral ever was for a dog. We knew each other and had lived together at one point. Since we hadn't lived together for a while, what words do you say? I was saddened by their passing, but we weren't very close. We didn't spend a lot of time together.

Rituals around death are interesting. I think what I do is mostly done in private. Thoughts and memories and of course tears. I feel extremely sensitive to scenes of death. And that is reflected in how I respond to the death of others. From an anxiety perspective, it's overwhelming.


2/29/2020

I’ve had quite a year of learning. About love. About myself. About others. And about this country. I feel the most adult I’ve felt yet!

But first, an update. My old MacBook Pro seems to have restored a bit of battery life. I unplugged it to take to a presentation (but then totally forgot it at home, but that’s another story) and the next day it was still pulsing it’s sleep light (remember those‽). After my iPhone 3GS’s battery expanded, I’ve been afraid of destroying a computer by charging a bad battery, but they seemed to have better sense than to charge one that was unsafe. So, now I have an old computer that I can unplug and take places. Yay.

Okay. Back to what I’ve learned. For the last several years—a decade, actually—I’ve been living with other people. On my long road trip (yeah, I totally did that), I learned that I really felt best when I had more time alone. I enjoyed seeking out people for social contact, or, at least I knew it was something that was healthy for me. I tend to be a homebody who stays home and interacts with the folks that are around me. This is probably due to how I grew up. I didn’t have school friends and did most of my socializing with my sister. I fall into the same habit when I live with other people.

On my road trip last year, I traveled over 11K miles in about a month. It was my most epic road trip ever and it has cemented my love for being out on the road. I long to go back. Being nomadic felt good. I wasn't tied to too much stuff. There was always something new to see.

Did I mention I did the trip in an EV? I’m super fascinated with them now. I guess I'm always going to be a geeky nerd.

When I started writing here, my fascination was mostly around art and computers and the web. The web. It has changed so much. It’s such a regular part of our lives now. It’s no longer special. It’s been so standardized and focused on social media platforms. I miss the unique experiences I had out here. I get nostalgic just thinking about the old forums I used to visit (that have now been abandoned—replaced by the monolithic social media networks. Big business has taken over. And the hackers and the scammers. I miss the days of setting up a web and email server and not worrying about updates unless you wanted a new feature. The worst that happened to me was being an open relay for spam. Nowadays. Holy crap!